Staring into the Dark
(Note to reader: This book is in development and as such the pages are in random order, characters, thoughts and ideas are underdeveloped. Ideas and encouragement are welcomed).
NOVEMBER::
"Please n-no, no, don't!" a terrified voice screamed, "You're hurting me! Pplease stop! Pleaase..."
"Shut up bitch, you were asking for it when I bought you that fucking drink!" Grunted a sinister male voice.
At that very moment, the mans body convulsed as an explosion erupted from his body. Like a General giving the command to charge, hundreds of millions of male and female warriors began racing, cramming their way to accomplish their one and only mission. Rushing to get what is theirs for the taking just like the sobbing woman their master had just overcome. Just like their master, they were inside this unknown warm body. Racing still, microscopic bodies trampling the nearest competitor, whipping any if they dare cross paths. Just like blood hounds on a trail these ravenous hunters sense the close proximity of their giant prey. A single delicate orb of immense potential. Once again just as their foreboding master had fought to get his prize, they too begin a mortal fight against the relentless shields and barriers of this pulsating orb. The battle rages on for hours as the orbs defenses slowly begin to wane after the onslaught of millions of these ravenous beasts. The beasts have a champion; however, and their champion will not quit until he too takes what is his. The orb such a beautiful prize wrapped in warmth. Like his master before him, he sinks his flesh into his prey, releasing himself of any burden, accomplishing his single life purpose. And with that, copulation once again begins yet on such a minuscule scale no one can hear the faint screams. An explosion of division begins to erupt, almost endlessly until...
Approx 266 days later::
...She screams aloud in such intense and agonizing pain, so much so, that little specks of crimson red randomly appear upon her face.
"Final push momma, the good lord has you baby", reassured a supportive nurse.
Another scream bellows. But this scream is different. It is one of innocent fear, of shock, of change.
"...Well congratulations, now see here, it's a boy!" smiled Nurse Mary, "You must be sooo proud; I wish the father could have been here, he would be so happy."
The music in 1973 was transcending. With a little help it could take a soul far away from the burdens of reality, with a little help of course. And that help took the form of our hot distrative friend Miss Mary Jane. Miss Jane was a hot little skinny illegal thing that would come around from time to time. I didn't like her much because I would be ignored a lot and that ment not a lot of attention no matter what I did or how loud I cried. Mom would just sit there laughing it up with her friends with that funny smell in the air. My diaper was starting to get heavy after a while and started to bother me so I tried to let her know.
I don't think her guy friend liked me so much because he kept pinching my leg which made me cry. Then his cigarette ashes kept falling on me burning me, making me cry more, so he put me down. I crawled off sulking, hiding behind the couch crying.
I crawled behind the couch pushing past the piles of clothes that mom needed to take to the laudromate and an old barely working vacuum cleaner someone had given us and squeezed into the only safe area left in the appartment for me. It was safe from anyone who would try to pinch me, or trip on me, safe from everything, I always slept here.
I could feel the cord of the vacuum cleaner with my toes. The cord of the vacuum cleaner was along side me on the floor behind the couch. I was playing with it with my feet. Tracing it. Following the old long braided cord to the wall socket where it was plugged in. It felt neat, cool to the touch, soothing, the feel of the braid was different on my sensitive feet. I was told I had monkey toes, the way I would play with things with my toes. I was getting sleepy, playing with the cord, my arms all curled up under my head. My feet finally stopped fidgeting with the cord and layed peacefully on the floor and my eyes began to twitch in REM sleep soon after.
Drip
CRACK!
Darkness
The lights flickered back on.
"Somebody helpme, mmmy son's dead!", I heard my mom scream from a strange tingly feeling place. I didn't like it, so I tried following her voice back home. "Wake up, oh God wake up. He's so blue! His mouth is melted shut and his eyes are rolled back! What do I do! She screamed.
I continued to follow her voice.
Somthing said, "This way."
Instinctively I followed and naturally I opened my eyes, I hurt everwhere, I was on fire, and my head felt like it had exploded. Something was different.
Fear was swelling from deep within me as I sensed that time was approaching when I was forced to jump in bed. I hated my bed and tonight I hated it even more. Ypsilanti, Michigan was prone to some damn good storms and this night was not to be out done. The room felt abnormally cool tonight and my senses were strangly peaking. I couldn't put my finger on it, hell I was only five.
We lived in a two row low rent appartment complex, the kind that looked more like a hotel setup and definitely something to be ashamed of if I was older, if you know what I mean. I could hear my mom in the other room talking with a neighbor of our. They were laughing about something that I didn't understand, grown up stuff.
The rain started picking up outside. The curtains were open, which I hated and I was too scared to get out of bed to close them. The things under my bed always liked to fuck with me when I left my legs down over the bed in this appartment so I hated stirring them up if I didn't have to. What ever the fuck they are I hate the way it feels when they touch me. It makes my hair rise and feels eerie like I'm moving through water. Things are tingly. Electric. That's when I notice it. Him. Outside my window. I sensed him before but wasn't sure what it was. It was so strong I didn't realize it was a person.
I wish it was a person. I was so scared. I tried not to breathe as I peared over my covers to get a better look. Something told me not to look at it, not to make eye contact. But I never listened. I never listened. I wish I listened. Of all the things I've seen, this one vision would set in motion a legacy of sick horrors no evil had yet unlocked.
There standing between a small twig of a tree and the bedroom window, beneath the heaviest of rainfalls, were a pair of unblinking faintly glowing red eyes. I couldn't move. He kept staring at me, watching me, feeling me out. I felt as if he was wondering if I was good enough, if the stories his scouts had told him were true and he had to see for himself. He had an evil smile as if he were pearing into my soul, making plans for me. Long drawn out, agonistic plans...
Yes ma'am the doctor spoke getting the patients mothers attention. We did find significant atypical brain wave patterns. We would like to observe further if you do not mind...
Ever have a day where you swear you have done this before? Try doing a life instead of a day.
In a daze I found myself standing on the corner of a street near a Target store and a bank. I was confused as to how I got here. There were a group of three gentle men in differing attire staring at me questionably because I was wedged between the building walls and garbage container made of pebbles and cement . I was scared and asked the gentlemen where I was. They said something in a language I didn’t understand, possibly French or something. I asked the man dressed in business attire again, and I could tell he knew what I was saying but didn’t know how to respond in English.
I ran around the corner of the bank making a left turn. There were two street vendors parked on the busy city street. I asked the vendors if they could understand me; they said no. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I walked down a few feet from the vendors to the night deposit box area of the bank and leaned against the wall for a few minutes. A lady tried to quickly make a business deposit with one of those deposit bags. I was in her way, and she had become frustrated trying to deposit the bag and left grumbling at me with an accent I was starting to recognize.
Across the way, I noticed two police officers walking towards my general direction. I saw a traffic light for pedestrians and crossed the street. Meeting up with the police officers, I asked if they could help and where I was. They were puzzled, not at my language, but at my question. They claimed I was in England and the help they offered was the opinion that I should call someone I know for help, and they pointed to where some public phones would be.
I walked to where the phones should be but couldn’t find them. I was near a building that was darkly painted and emanated some great music. I walked in. The walls were dark, seemingly black. It was like that of a night club but people were in several rooms. The rooms had different functions. Some were rooms for social gathering; some were for eating, and some were for games. This place was a maze of social interactions and while the walls were a matte black with little light one could see very well.
I roamed the halls for a while both in amazement at how cool the place was and in puzzlement of what had happened, how, and why. I stumbled into a long skinny room. The occupants were seated on the right only while the left side of the wall wasvoid of anything, simply a walkway. I walked past everyone making a right to exit the room when I heard an announcer say, “Who is going to pair up with that lucky bloke? You madam?" Was that guy talking about me? I thought to myself. I turned to verify. As I stuck my head around the corner, I could hear the lady tell the announcer, where ever “he” was, “No”. The announcer said, “Awe, come on then, who will be off with him then, anyone?” I thought to myself, I hope no one says yes because I don’t think I can dance, and I’ll look like a fool. I hope I don’t have to dance. Just then, during that dreadful thought, I could just make out someone raise their hand and say, "I will." My heart skipped a beat. I hope she doesn’t want to dance, I thought. “Well good then, hurry off,” broadcasted the announcer.
As she walked towards me, my heart pumped wildly. She was a lovely slender lady of perfect height and sandy blond hair. She was wearing a dark gray and pink polka-dotted knit sweater and dark jeans. She had a gorgeous smile. She reached out and took my hand. Her hand felt warm and safe as if I had known her forever. She introduced herself as Lisa. Lisa led me down the hall a ways where we could have a private conversation.
We talked for a while; I told her the odd story of how I got here. Lisa listened intensely and always had a smile. Her eyes were always fixed on mine, peering deeply into them.
…
Later, we were lying on the floor of some clothing store. Lisa was so beautiful with her French tipped nails and red lipstick on, not the kind that stands out from being tacky but from being perfectly matched with the face of this woman. We laughed and talked about everything. I was thinking about how amazing this woman was, charming and sweet. Lisa even knew how to put an amazing wardrobe together. Our bond was so close; her eyes so beautiful. I was in love and so was Lisa. I looked her in the eyes and said we are soul mates. She smiled knowingly. I moved to give her a kiss, savoring the aroma of her body. Her lips parted. Our lips met magnetically the energy intense. They moved in unison, a perfect deep and passionate kiss. We were in love, I don’t ever want to leave her.
"Don't do it", the voice said. "You remember what happened the last time you did, right?"
How can I forget that? I thought to myself.
I found I can only bond with one animal at a time. It was by accident really. A stupid cat. I didn't even like him. He was always chewing and scratching shit. Every time I tried to scratch his belly he would try to bite me. Like he was saying, "Dude, what the fuck? I'm trying to sleep, and here you go just up and fuck with me. You must be gay."
I always messed with this cat. wiggling his head when I pet him. After a while, the cat would follow me around, and he became my buddy. I swear he talked to me; we were in sync.
Several months had passed. I was lying on the floor at night pretending to do push-ups in the living room when the cat strolled in. He sat in front of me, and watched me do a couple more push-ups, my arms struggling. His head moved up and down in time with my body. Exhausted, I dropped to the floor. I laid there for sometime before looking up at my cat. He looked curiously at me. I stared at his eyes, they were so cool. Green, with awesome vertical pupils. I wondered, to myself. "What are you thinking?" I just stared into his darkness. Time slowed. Sound with it. I could hear my heart beating in slow motion. It was eerie. I continued to stare into my cats eyes. "What do you see with those eyes of yours?" The cats pupils started to widen. My pounding heart felt like it was a mile away. It was almost inaudible. I didn't feel like I was lying on the floor anymore. Floating maybe. I could barely see the green of my cats eyes. His pupils were enormous. I could feel a tingling sensation at the back of my neck. I don't know if the cat was mimicking me or if I was mimicking him. All I know is that his fur was standing too, like there was electricity in the air. In that moment, I felt like we inseparable buddies. My thoughts were no longer directed to me but directed to him. "We're gonna be buds forever. I'll watch your back, and you watch mine?" I felt the cat say yes.
The fear is stronger now as I hear the heavy footsteps of a hulking man climb the stairs to our rooms. He hates climbing these god-damned stairs. It makes his work so much harder having to carry his load up the flight of stairs. He doesn’t feel quite as much hatred at climbing the stairs this time. It adds to his feeling of anger. It feeds the monster within. He smiles to himself, a wry slightly demonic grin. He knows that he’s bringing fear to the hearts of the little lambs that are not ready for the slaughter. “But, oh the joy of tenderizing the sweet flesh and soft muscle beneath,” he chuckles to himself. He knows that the process is rewarding. The finished result is well worth the climb up those stairs. "I’m not first this time. Maybe I’m safe," I think. But sadness builds from within as, once again, the littlest one is chosen first as favorites often are. “I wish that I could take that which is soon to come for him.” Ahhh, but you can, I hear my friend say in my ear. I’ll help you. You do trust me, don’t you? Just let me show you. The man peers into my room just before he heads back downstairs. He sees me gripping my pillow up to my face, the smell of it is almost enough to soothe me. My pillow acts as a small shield against his peering eyes. Those eyes sparkle and shine as he watches his prey. I can see hell in the dark shadows behind him. “Do you think that you are getting out of this? Let’s go. NOW!” He kicks me for moving too slowly. My body trembles with the building knowledge of what awaits me at the bottom of these stairs. I whimper, stumble and then regain my footing. My brother begins screaming out loud on the way down as this asshole grabs him hard by the ear and almost yanking him down the stairs. The man hopes that this will make us move faster. The temperature drops at least ten degrees as he leads us to the basement. Brother is crying now. “Stop crying,” I think to myself. “He needs to stop crying.” I almost join my brother in tears. Wee can help him, you and I. Stand up to that ass and tell him that you are not going to take it anymore. You’re strong. I can make the pain go away. Just share it with me. A little time is all that I want. We’re in the special basement room now. I hear the demanding shouts of the man upon my brother, ARE YOU GONNA LISTEN THIS TIME? HUH? ARE YOU? I can hear molecules parting as his belt slices through the air, crackling like thunder. His leather belt rips flesh off of bone and leaves its mark. My brother screams, an endless cry of agony and pain. Each scream gets successively louder as he pleads and begs for the pain to stop. It never seems to end. I count each crack of the belt, but I lose track after fifteen as pity builds from within. I hate myself for being weak. I can help him too. You need to be strong and listen to me. I’ll show you the way. GET IN HERE!! I move quickly so as not to anger him anymore than necessary. “Drop your pants,” he says as I hear my brother whimper and sneak quietly past me to his room careful not to gaze into each other’s eyes. I hear satisfaction in the assholes voice. I can help you, the other voice says. “Grab your ankles. I’m gonna whip you, and if you let go of your ankles, I’m gonna whip you more.” Ignore that fucker, listen to me. Let me help. “DO YOU HEAR ME?” he screams. “Yes, I’ve got my ankles,” I shout. I’m never prepared for the intense searing white hot pain that I feel as his belt lands and it's never quite like a bull’s-eye for in this game of his merely landing on the board is good enough. Tears flood my eyes as I feel his strikes land below my ass on my thighs. The pain overwhelms me, and I swear that I’m bleeding already. I fucking hate this man. Don’t you wish that we could kill him? I scream out in pain. I feel the muscles in my hands start to go limp as speckles of light start dancing like little fairies in the air before me. CRACK! The force of the blow causes me to let go of my ankles in a bleak effort to break my fall. I said, “Don’t let go, that’s more boy! “We can show him, you can be stronger than he wants you to be. I’ll show you. Let me take the pain. I like it. I can handle it. “Ok,” I say weakly to the voice. “Please take the hurt.” Yes, yes! CRACK! Awe yes, please, I want more. Grab harder, do not let go of my ankles, I faintly hear myself tell my new friend. I feel the burn of my nails as they dig into my flesh. CRACK, CRACK, CRACK! The pain is in the distance as I hear a chant in my head: Don’t let go. Can't let go. The other screams out loud for me, I’m not letting go! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! This lamb is strong, the man thinks. I will break him. I must break him. The defiance and hatred that he feels emanating from this child angers him. The man digs deep into his black soul and finds an inner strength. He builds on the frustrations of his everyday life. He feeds the anger and the frustration until it boils over and explodes from his body. The rhythm quickens and the intensity of each blow strengthens. Each crack of his belt represents something he hates in his life. His wife. CRACK. His job. CRACK. The bills. CRACK. His lazy wife. CRACK. His shitty job. CRACK. The fucking bills. CRACK. He repeats this mantra to himself as he continues to bring his arm back in preparation for another blow. His anger grows stronger as the little lamb in front of him refuses to cower. “I will break this little lamb. I must break him.” The belt continues to rain down on the innocent one. It’s okay. See? I can handle this for you.
Interesting, as the other eats I realize that he doesn't have quit the same sense of taste as I. The flavors are dulled, almost boring. It was frustrating for me at first because I didn't realize what was going on the first few hundred times he forced control. Usually it was during dinner when my step dad was being an asshole. It was usually then that he decided that he would stop by. You know, the sense of smell is all out of whack as well and now that I think about it I realize that all the senses are dulled, perhaps that is how the other can deal with so much pain... ...wish I could control my senses like that at will.
Lift it I can't it's too heavy, this thing weighs a ton! You're such a wuss. I try to lift it over and over again, but each time my mental effort gets stronger with determination but my physical effort weakens. You pussy, all your friends think you're weak. I'm not weak, I can do this. I struggle again. Arms shaking. You know I can help. I always do. The voice says. No. I say to myself. Every time I do I feel sick and want to throw up. Come on lift it, what, did you mom have a little girl or a boy? My friends shout. I can help. He said you are a pussy just like your dad says. They all must be right? No? Let me help. I can make you strong. I promise I'll share this time. Come on dude, man my sister can do better. See. Let me... Fine, I snap to the badgering voice, fine. Close your eyes little one. The glands in my body begin to constrict. I feel an overwhelming sensation of heightened awareness as everything else around me seems to move in slow motion. The piece begins to lift almost effortlessly. Bout time, why didn't you move it the first time girlylocks? Your welcome the voice says. See I kept my promise. Motion seems to speed back up to normal. I have a salty taste in my mouth and my pulse is racing. I can barely stand and move to my knees. Vomit explodes from my mouth bursting to the ground in front of me. Oh gross, he just puked!
My mouth begins to produce a sudden abundance of salty saliva. Blood is in the air, I can smell it a mile away. Menstrual cycles are the worst. Such an overwhelmingly strong atomized iron odor. So strong its nauseating. The sight of it is ok, kinda cool even, like that of wet paint. It's the smell I can't handle...
I saw a note today on the table. It read, ... ...I swear I don't remember writing the damn thing. I thought about it forever and nothing...
It was 10pm when he left the city...
I feel myself fading out again. Sometimes I’m not sure which one I’ am anymore. They all tend to blend together at times, one thing’s for sure, I’m not looking through my eyes, I'm looking through theirs. Some argue whether people like me know of the others or if the others are completely separate. I can say with most certainty. It is both. I know that I’m not in control. I hear people talking to me but I’m between places, the gray zone, that fuzzy area where I can still somewhat see and hear my surroundings but tend to lose time. Sometimes I’ll sit and eat and look through the “others” eyes and see my body eat. So strange. I always make an effort to regain myself but it feels so weird at times and that eeriness will push me back, away, because it’s so foreign. Almost like the one that is there says, “Ah ahhh, no no, it’s my turn”. “When did I eat most of my dinner, didn’t I just start eating?” I think to myself fading back out just as quick as I faded in. He’s not happy, I can see that plain as day from here. He senses something. Can’t others see that? It’s odd how humans are so numb to others. This one has always wondered if others could see the change, hmmmm. "Trust no one, they are all liars. When are you going to get that through your fucking head? I tell you and tell you and you never listen. You are always trying to see the good in people, but there isn’t any. They lie to you they lie to themselves, and they lie to their preacher and God. The ones that lie to themselves are the worst. They stand there knowing they are lying but will fight to the death defending their bullshit lies. Some are so convinced that their self made lie is the truth that they will die for it. Unless. Yes. The funny part is, unless they are confronted with the truth, then, then my friend they will get all defensive, accusatory trying to justify themselves. But they are never, never at fault. But hey, even if they did admit the truth, when confronted of course, then you would be a pussy to fall for it and accept their weakness. Remember, you already knew anyways. Transparent people, they might as well wear a sign on themselves. They can’t hide it. None of them can. I’ll tell you this, if you didn’t know the truth, they wouldn’t have told you the truth. Wait, what's that you say? It doesn't bother you? Silly man, you can read everyone else so well but you cannot read yourself!" "If the meaning behind the truth didn’t bother you, then I’ll ask you one simple question…" "WHY" "AM" "I" "HERE?!"
Honey lets just go, please, it's not worth it. She said. What's the matter pussy, your bitch holds your nutsack too? Shouted the drunk man... Accident Choice Blood
There's nothing you can do, there is no way out, and there is no way to escape. I think to myself. I have him in my arms now. I reach around his neck tucking his throat into the bend of my arm. The man struggles to breath and begins to gasp for air. The man tries to get a word or two out but cannot. His face changes from that of a tough guy to a complex darkening red color from the lack of oxygen.
...
An overwhelming anger takes over me I can feel my strength triple. I hear an old friends voice chanting over me, "Do it!, you know you want to."
...
My hands move to the side of the mans sweaty head and with two quick and determined movements accompanied by two popping sounds the man goes limp. Still holding the man a warm sensation fills my body. The familiar voice is pleased and for once I feel a sense of accomplishment like that of a child satisfying a father. I lift the mans head and peer into the mans red eyes. The color of his iris is almost washed out against the sea of red. I look into his pupils and wonder if he can still see me. His pupils begin to slowly expand as I feel his life energy leave his body. How cool, his pupils are so big and black, I think to myself, as I sit holding him, staring into the darkness...
I walked into a neo Rave of sorts. It had many kinds of differing entertainment venues. One could eat in one area, drink in another, dance or even hook up in others. I went down a familiar hall, heard something that caught my attention and turned. Upon rounding the corner of the narrow walkway, I heard the words, "I will," from a female voice.
I stood near the corner in a slightly dazed confusion. The woman approached me, reaching out her hand. Her hand felt amazingly warm and safe. So beautiful. She introduced herself as Lisa. I stared at her for a moment at a loss for words, my pulse quickening. I looked deeply into her beautiful eyes and said, "I thought so. You look like a Lisa..."